Life After Loss

You know how sometimes you have those days where one bad thing just happens after another and you think how could all this be possibly happening in one day? Today was kind of like that for me. First, I dropped my phone--in the toilet. Yeah, had to place a claim to get a new one. Then, I was all excited to eat my chicken and rice (yummy!), but I needed to eat at my desk since I didn't have a working phone and the clock in the break room is broken. No big deal. I gather up my stuff and head on upstairs. Anyone who knows me knows I'm the BIGGEST klutz in the world. Yep, I fell (going up the stairs, not even down) and bam, I watch in slow motion as my chicken and rice fly through the air. All of it. None was savable.  So somehow I managed to laugh this all off. It got me thinking, I haven't had a day like this in a long time. I've had way to many horrible days, but not where it's these random individual events. Then I smiled. The old Heather would hav...

Everytime I read about another innocent child passing, my heart breaks all over again. There's absolutely no words that can comfort a grieving parent. The best thing you can do is just be there for them. Listen to them. Many times they won't make sense, but just talking helps tremendously. I wish that doctors had more answers. So many times parents are left questioning why. Why us? Why our baby? Why did this happen? Unfortunately, there's not always answers so all you can do as a parent is accept it. You can accept it one day, and then suddenly the next day you can't anymore. There is no getting better. All there is are good days and bad days. And you feel relieved if 2 good days are strung together. It's strange how quickly your mind takes you back to day you lost your child. I can so vividly see everyone in our home again. My aunts and uncles. My Alvin Sam. My mom and Gonz. I remember exactly what Arianna was wearing. I remember one second ...

And mine kept beating... Since then I feel as if I'm jumping off a cliff--every single day. But mid jump, it's like the rewind button is hit, and I end up on the edge of the cliff again. With every jump, I get closer and closer to hitting the water. I know that eventually I will. I'm not sure what is scarier--not knowing when I'm actually going to hit the water or not sure if I'm able to swim and get out alive once I hit. You think you're doing ok. You have a longer streak of OK days, but you know you're getting closer to the edge again. At first I felt like I was wearing one of those big Sumo Wresting suits. I had this thick layer of shock surrounding me. It helps lessen the pain of the horrid truth. But with time, that layer thins out. Everyday the truth is a little more real--a little more painful.  I think of holding Arianna in my arms, and it brings tears instead of a smile. I think about her cute laugh, or the way she would cross her feet jus...

My dad passed away when I was four and a half (half years were a big deal at that age!). I have missed him for as long as I can remember. Now, I know I miss the idea of what it would have been like had he beat the cancer and never had heart issues. Would I have been a major daddy's girl? Would he have approved of my grades? How would him still being alive affect my life today? I have this memory of us. I'm not sure if it's an actual memory, or one I've created from hearing the story, but any who: It's night time. It's warmer out. Him and I are standing on the back porch together. He explains to me that one day he may no longer be with us . That he will become an angel and be watching over the whole family. He will become a star in the sky. So every night I should go outside and finding the twinkling star. That would be him. I remember doing that once he passed. There would be something so disappointing on the cloudy nights, when I couldn't see t...

Happy New Year! What are your resolutions? New year, new me. Those are some of the standard phrases you hear around this time of year. Everyone is focused on making this year better than the last. Something big will happen this year. I'm going to eat better and go to the gym to finally lose this extra weight. I'm not going to waste money on silly things so I can save up to make that big purchase I've been wanting to make. I will finish my degree and get my dream job. For us, this New Year represents us entering the new year missing a piece of us. It signifies more time has passed since we last saw our Arianna. We can no longer say we lost our daughter this year, it was last year. It is a door closing before we're ready for it too. Of course we are continuing to live our lives. We don't have an option. We both enjoy working out (ok Gonzalo really enjoys it). For us though, it's not about a new year's resolution or trying to make ourselves better. It...

I wish I could see my baby girl flying. Or be able to call Heaven just to make sure she's ok. I remember holding Arianna in the days before she passed, knowing that the moment she passed I would do anything  to be able to hold her again. Knowing that I would miss brushing her hair. Or touching her face. At that time I already missed her smile. I missed how she'd wrap her little arms around us. Or how she would grasp on to our fingers. I miss watching her scoot her way out of her Boppy. I miss walking into her room to find what crazy position she woke up in. I miss waking up her talking. I miss the therapy and nurse appointments. I miss the long backroad rides up to Children's. I miss the people who became like family to us because we saw them so often. I miss getting mad at her feeding pump because it wasn't working quite right (just for me to discover it was a user error; Mary B. you can confirm this haha). I miss seeing how excited she would get when she wo...

"How are you doing?" That's the first question out of anyone's mouth. Not just in situations like this, but anytime two individuals see one another. The interesting thing is that the majority of the time, we're not being genuine when you ask that question. Think of how many times a day you get asked how you're doing. By the grocery store clerk, the teller at the bank, the receptionist at the doctor's office when you call to make an appointment. It would be interesting to see what would happen if everyone started being honest when asked that question. It's not that I get mad or upset when someone asks me how I am. It's just that I don't even know how to respond anymore. I'm lying if I say I'm good. I'm lying if I say I'm doing ok. But I can't even begin to explain how I am doing. It's hard to explain, but I feel as though I'm falling down the rabbit's hole in Alice in Wonderland. Or like I'm on auto pilo...