Grieving As A Couple
We vowed to love each other through better and worse.
We cried together the day we found out we were pregnant.
We cried together the day Arianna was born.
We cried together when she spent time in the NICU.
We cried together when she did things we were told she never would.
We cried together when we knew she wasn't going to make it.
We cried together when she gained her angel wings.
We still cry together on the days we are just so exhausted we can't move.
We aren't super humans. We don't know some super powerful secret. We don't have the perfect marriage.
But, we've somehow managed to grieve together. It is not easy. I could be having a great day, and Gonz could be having a horrible day. We learned really quick we had to be upfront and honest about the bad days. It's so easy to see your spouse in a bad mood and assume it's because of something you did. We have learned when to talk. We have learned when to joke. We have learned when to just hold the other person when they cry.
It's not easy doing this together. I know that the divorce rate is extremely high for parents of children with special needs. I know it went even higher after losing a child.
But here's the thing.
Not a single other soul knows my pain. We don't fully know each other's pain because everyone grieves differently; but he's the closest thing to Arianna I have. We get each other in a way that no one else ever will. For example, if he does something funny and I look at him and say "you're just the cutest", we both know that obviously Arianna is THE cutest, but at that moment he is in a close second. We can share the memories of her together and never feel like we're talking too much about her or that we will make the other one uncomfortable. We laugh more than we cry when talking about Arianna (she was a character!). We can stand in her room and be flooded with memories of us as a family. We will forever have this bond that life can never break.
There are days when it's really hard. Days when Gonz is in a good place, laughing and singing. While I'm just sitting there, feeling empty. The reason why our marriage is so strong is because Gonz will see that I'm not there with him. He won't get mad. He won't think he did something wrong. Nope. Instead, he'll come wrap me in his arms, kiss my forehead, and tells me he loves me. I may start crying and we'll talk. I may tell him I'm sorry but it's just one of those days. I may smile instantly and feel uplifted. The same thing goes if the roles were switched. Thankfully, we both have used the gym as our outlet. A place to get all the anger out. The place to feel the pain to remind us we're still alive. We're really lucky for that.
Not all couples find a way to cope together. And that's absolutely OK. The important thing is to never ever judge your spouse (unless it's endangering themselves or others) on how they grieve. Arianna was both of our daughter. But Gonz and I are two different people. I may cry, while Gonz needs to go deadlift. I may need to hit a new max, while Gone needs to blast some music that makes him scream. I may get lost in a book, while Gonz gets lost in a video game. I saw a therapist, Gonz didn't want to. I respected it. We also made an agreement where if we ever get to a point when one of us takes a major turn for the worst, we will do what the other one suggests. What works for me may not work for Gonz and that's OK. Whatever we're doing as individuals is absolutely OK. As long as we...
Don't judge each other.
Communicate with each other.
Put our marriage first sometimes.
I'm not saying nothing could ever tear us apart (life is crazy), but I know that we won't give up easily. We will fight every single day to make us last. Not only for each other, but for Arianna.
I love you!
We cried together the day we found out we were pregnant.
We cried together the day Arianna was born.
We cried together when she spent time in the NICU.
We cried together when she did things we were told she never would.
We cried together when we knew she wasn't going to make it.
We cried together when she gained her angel wings.
We still cry together on the days we are just so exhausted we can't move.
We aren't super humans. We don't know some super powerful secret. We don't have the perfect marriage.
But, we've somehow managed to grieve together. It is not easy. I could be having a great day, and Gonz could be having a horrible day. We learned really quick we had to be upfront and honest about the bad days. It's so easy to see your spouse in a bad mood and assume it's because of something you did. We have learned when to talk. We have learned when to joke. We have learned when to just hold the other person when they cry.
It's not easy doing this together. I know that the divorce rate is extremely high for parents of children with special needs. I know it went even higher after losing a child.
But here's the thing.
Not a single other soul knows my pain. We don't fully know each other's pain because everyone grieves differently; but he's the closest thing to Arianna I have. We get each other in a way that no one else ever will. For example, if he does something funny and I look at him and say "you're just the cutest", we both know that obviously Arianna is THE cutest, but at that moment he is in a close second. We can share the memories of her together and never feel like we're talking too much about her or that we will make the other one uncomfortable. We laugh more than we cry when talking about Arianna (she was a character!). We can stand in her room and be flooded with memories of us as a family. We will forever have this bond that life can never break.
There are days when it's really hard. Days when Gonz is in a good place, laughing and singing. While I'm just sitting there, feeling empty. The reason why our marriage is so strong is because Gonz will see that I'm not there with him. He won't get mad. He won't think he did something wrong. Nope. Instead, he'll come wrap me in his arms, kiss my forehead, and tells me he loves me. I may start crying and we'll talk. I may tell him I'm sorry but it's just one of those days. I may smile instantly and feel uplifted. The same thing goes if the roles were switched. Thankfully, we both have used the gym as our outlet. A place to get all the anger out. The place to feel the pain to remind us we're still alive. We're really lucky for that.
Not all couples find a way to cope together. And that's absolutely OK. The important thing is to never ever judge your spouse (unless it's endangering themselves or others) on how they grieve. Arianna was both of our daughter. But Gonz and I are two different people. I may cry, while Gonz needs to go deadlift. I may need to hit a new max, while Gone needs to blast some music that makes him scream. I may get lost in a book, while Gonz gets lost in a video game. I saw a therapist, Gonz didn't want to. I respected it. We also made an agreement where if we ever get to a point when one of us takes a major turn for the worst, we will do what the other one suggests. What works for me may not work for Gonz and that's OK. Whatever we're doing as individuals is absolutely OK. As long as we...
Don't judge each other.
Communicate with each other.
Put our marriage first sometimes.
I'm not saying nothing could ever tear us apart (life is crazy), but I know that we won't give up easily. We will fight every single day to make us last. Not only for each other, but for Arianna.
I love you!
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