I Just Wanna Dance...

People say time heals all wounds.

As a grieving mother, I disagree. I think that with time we learn how to carry our grief and how to cope with the waves. I think that there are good days, and there are bad. I think that you may be able to take one wave of grief head on, but the next wave make knock you down. And I think that it is absolutely ok. 

It's important to know that falling down doesn't mean you're weak. That tears streaming down your face in public because you see another mom with her daughter doesn't mean that you're somehow "stuck in the past". Life changes drastically when you give birth to a child. All that you thought you knew about parenting goes out the window. Your routine completely changes. It's all for the better of course. When you lose a child, it's new territory. You now need to learn a different routine. One that feels empty. Without any purpose. And you just hope that there will be good days again.

Once the good days come, it doesn't mean you miss your child any less or that you've "moved on". 

The first couple weeks after Arianna passed away, I would feel guilty every time I smiled (which wasn't frequently, but still). By me smiling, I thought it meant I was ok with her not being with me.

That couldn't be further from the truth.

But it does mean that my heart is still beating. That I still need to live my life. The way Arianna would want me to.

So on the good days when I can smile at the sunrise, laugh at funny pictures of her, and feel somewhat at peace knowing she's singing and dancing--I will embrace it.

Please know that I'm dancing for my daughter. That my smiles are all for her. That I will embrace this life because she wasn't able to. I will not let her memory fade and I will make sure that I honor her life each and everyday.

Every single thing Gonz and I do, we think of Arianna--just as we would if she was still with us. 

I feel as though sometimes people are afraid to speak her name because it will upset us. It won't. I promise. It will fill our hearts knowing that the world hasn't forgotten her. You speaking her name won't remind us that she's not with us, we carry that with us every single moment.

So today I will laugh. I will dance. I'll smile and sing.
Tomorrow I may not be able to. It may take all the strength in the world to get out of bed.

Either way, it's ok.



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