Why I love Starry Nights

My dad passed away when I was four and a half (half years were a big deal at that age!). I have missed him for as long as I can remember. Now, I know I miss the idea of what it would have been like had he beat the cancer and never had heart issues. Would I have been a major daddy's girl? Would he have approved of my grades? How would him still being alive affect my life today?

I have this memory of us. I'm not sure if it's an actual memory, or one I've created from hearing the story, but any who:
It's night time. It's warmer out. Him and I are standing on the back porch together. He explains to me that one day he may no longer be with us
. That he will become an angel and be watching over the whole family. He will become a star in the sky. So every night I should go outside and finding the twinkling star. That would be him.

I remember doing that once he passed. There would be something so disappointing on the cloudy nights, when I couldn't see the stars.

Now, on the starry nights, this sense of peace washes over me. I smile up and look for all the twinkling stars.

So thank you Dad.
Thank you for preparing me for this huge heartache. Because of you, on these beautiful starry nights, I can breathe a little. I know that you, Len, Debi, and Arianna are all ok. That you'l all be twinkling for me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If You Could See Me Fly

I wish I could see my baby girl flying. Or be able to call Heaven just to make sure she's ok. I remember holding Arianna in the days before she passed, knowing that the moment she passed I would do anything  to be able to hold her again. Knowing that I would miss brushing her hair. Or touching her face. At that time I already missed her smile. I missed how she'd wrap her little arms around us. Or how she would grasp on to our fingers. I miss watching her scoot her way out of her Boppy. I miss walking into her room to find what crazy position she woke up in. I miss waking up her talking. I miss the therapy and nurse appointments. I miss the long backroad rides up to Children's. I miss the people who became like family to us because we saw them so often. I miss getting mad at her feeding pump because it wasn't working quite right (just for me to discover it was a user error; Mary B. you can confirm this haha). I miss seeing how excited she would get when she wo...
Read more

Grieving As A Couple

Image
We vowed to love each other through better and worse. We cried together the day we found out we were pregnant. We cried together the day Arianna was born. We cried together when she spent time in the NICU. We cried together when she did things we were told she never would. We cried together when we knew she wasn't going to make it. We cried together when she gained her angel wings. We still cry together on the days we are just so exhausted we can't move. We aren't super humans. We don't know some super powerful secret. We don't have the perfect marriage. But, we've somehow managed to grieve together. It is not easy. I could be having a great day, and Gonz could be having a horrible day. We learned really quick we had to be upfront and honest about the bad days. It's so easy to see your spouse in a bad mood and assume it's because of something you did. We have learned when to talk. We have learned when to joke. We have learned when to just hol...
Read more

I Just Wanna Dance...

Image
People say time heals all wounds. As a grieving mother, I disagree. I think that with time we learn how to carry our grief and how to cope with the waves. I think that there are good days, and there are bad. I think that you may be able to take one wave of grief head on, but the next wave make knock you down. And I think that it is absolutely ok.  It's important to know that falling down doesn't mean you're weak. That tears streaming down your face in public because you see another mom with her daughter doesn't mean that you're somehow "stuck in the past". Life changes drastically when you give birth to a child. All that you thought you knew about parenting goes out the window. Your routine completely changes. It's all for the better of course. When you lose a child, it's new territory. You now need to learn a different routine. One that feels empty. Without any purpose. And you just hope that there will be good days again. Once the go...
Read more