Why We Chose to not Celebrate New Year's
Happy New Year!
What are your resolutions?
New year, new me.
Those are some of the standard phrases you hear around this time of year. Everyone is focused on making this year better than the last. Something big will happen this year. I'm going to eat better and go to the gym to finally lose this extra weight. I'm not going to waste money on silly things so I can save up to make that big purchase I've been wanting to make. I will finish my degree and get my dream job.
For us, this New Year represents us entering the new year missing a piece of us. It signifies more time has passed since we last saw our Arianna. We can no longer say we lost our daughter this year, it was last year. It is a door closing before we're ready for it too.
Of course we are continuing to live our lives. We don't have an option. We both enjoy working out (ok Gonzalo really enjoys it). For us though, it's not about a new year's resolution or trying to make ourselves better. It's about finding a healthy way to cope with our anger and grief. It's a game we play. If you're working out, your mind is so focused on finishing that last rep, or trying the heavier weight, so that pain in your chest goes away for that hour (or in Gonz's case-3 hours). You get to beat yourself up. You get to feel. We've become so numb that the feeling of fatigue or soreness that comes after the workout is a great reminder that we are still alive and we can still feel.
We can't make resolutions simply because nothing can make this year any better for us. Even if one day we decide to have more children, we will love them unconditionally, but in no way, shape, or form will they replace Arianna or fill the missing pieces of our hearts.
There's nothing we can hope for this new year that will bring Arianna back. We just get further away from her.
It's a reminder that those around us have continued on living. That they may not think about her daily, weekly, or even monthly anymore (that may be a stretch if they're friends with either of us on Facebook since we post a picture of Arianna almost daily :) ). That somehow the majority of people's lives have returned to their normal. Which is exactly how it should be. But somehow we are still sitting here, feeling very much the same as the day she passed away in our arms. We may have learned to recognize signs of a bad day and how to breathe through the moments that felt suffocating before. But all those feelings are still here.
How do we keep her memory alive for the rest of our lifetime. We only have so many stories and ways to bring her up in everyday conversations. We have a lot of pictures and videos, but not nearly enough. How do we continue to remind people that we love hearing others say her name in a positive way. That knowing others think about her and her infectious smile.
So yes, I wish more than anything we could celebrate the end of this year, and the beginning of another. Make all kinds of silly wishes for the year to come. But quite frankly, none of that compares to the heartache we've encountered.
We can't celebrate a new year.
Not when it means leaving our Arianna in 2015.
What are your resolutions?
New year, new me.
Those are some of the standard phrases you hear around this time of year. Everyone is focused on making this year better than the last. Something big will happen this year. I'm going to eat better and go to the gym to finally lose this extra weight. I'm not going to waste money on silly things so I can save up to make that big purchase I've been wanting to make. I will finish my degree and get my dream job.
For us, this New Year represents us entering the new year missing a piece of us. It signifies more time has passed since we last saw our Arianna. We can no longer say we lost our daughter this year, it was last year. It is a door closing before we're ready for it too.
Of course we are continuing to live our lives. We don't have an option. We both enjoy working out (ok Gonzalo really enjoys it). For us though, it's not about a new year's resolution or trying to make ourselves better. It's about finding a healthy way to cope with our anger and grief. It's a game we play. If you're working out, your mind is so focused on finishing that last rep, or trying the heavier weight, so that pain in your chest goes away for that hour (or in Gonz's case-3 hours). You get to beat yourself up. You get to feel. We've become so numb that the feeling of fatigue or soreness that comes after the workout is a great reminder that we are still alive and we can still feel.
We can't make resolutions simply because nothing can make this year any better for us. Even if one day we decide to have more children, we will love them unconditionally, but in no way, shape, or form will they replace Arianna or fill the missing pieces of our hearts.
There's nothing we can hope for this new year that will bring Arianna back. We just get further away from her.
It's a reminder that those around us have continued on living. That they may not think about her daily, weekly, or even monthly anymore (that may be a stretch if they're friends with either of us on Facebook since we post a picture of Arianna almost daily :) ). That somehow the majority of people's lives have returned to their normal. Which is exactly how it should be. But somehow we are still sitting here, feeling very much the same as the day she passed away in our arms. We may have learned to recognize signs of a bad day and how to breathe through the moments that felt suffocating before. But all those feelings are still here.
How do we keep her memory alive for the rest of our lifetime. We only have so many stories and ways to bring her up in everyday conversations. We have a lot of pictures and videos, but not nearly enough. How do we continue to remind people that we love hearing others say her name in a positive way. That knowing others think about her and her infectious smile.
So yes, I wish more than anything we could celebrate the end of this year, and the beginning of another. Make all kinds of silly wishes for the year to come. But quite frankly, none of that compares to the heartache we've encountered.
We can't celebrate a new year.
Not when it means leaving our Arianna in 2015.
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