My Babycakes

I don't know where that came from. 

Babycakes.

It's so random. Your dad laughed the first time he heard me call you that. You were still in the NICU. But guess what? He was calling you babycakes by the time we brought you home. Your room looks just like how it did when we first brought you home.

I would do anything to have you here with us again. Or to have traded places with you.

We had hope. We prayed. We begged for you to be okay. We held on so tightly to all the good things the doctors would tell us. We knew you were going to wake up, how could we ever survive if you didn't?

Yet, it's been over 9 months and we are surviving. Some days it's just barely, but we are. 

How is it that you've been gone for as long as you were here? In some ways it seems like you took your last breath just yesterday, in other ways it feels like a different lifetime.

I remember everything about your hospital room. I remember the beeping. The little ray of sunshine that would come in because your dad always liked the blinds closed. I remember the pictures hanging on the walls. I remember the 4 am wake up calls when we'd have to leave the room because they needed to do your x-rays. I'd look outside the window and wonder how many more mornings we'd be doing this? I would have done it forever if it meant more time with you.

We didn't feel fresh air. We barely left the hospital and when we did it was to go to the Ronald McDonald House which the 2 parking garages were attached by a walkway. But I do remember walking down that walkway one day. It was absolutely gorgeous out. The day before you got sick it was extremely hot. This day you could feel fall was coming. The air was crisp. I remember thinking life is too beautiful, and you will be home with us soon. The security guards at the desk got to know us. Your dad and I would race to the elevators, acting like little kids trying not to get caught. The hospital became like our home. The nurses like family.

I hate to admit this, but I was so scared to touch you.
There were so many wires and tubes. I remember the first time I got to hold you. You felt so different in my arms. It made me miss you even more. I wasn't used to you sleeping in my arms. You liked putting yourself to sleep most of the time. I was used to you touching my face if I was holding you, smiling up at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours.

I wanted nothing more than for you to open those eyes and smile. Why didn't you?

I know that's not a fair question to ask. I know you are such a fighter and you fought as hard as you possibly could have. You had your daddy's strength. That is for certain.



Please know that we're trying. We're trying to make you proud. We're trying to grieve gracefully. Sometimes that's just not possible though. We're broken without you. Shattered into a million pieces. The amount of joy you brought to us was amazing. We hope that you're spreading that same joy around Heaven. I'm sure you are. 

We miss you babycakes. Every single thing about you. 
We love you. 

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