Life After Loss

After losing a child, you begin to look for them everywhere. You stop to listen to the birds chirp, you notice the butterfly that lands right by you, you look for clouds that are shaped like angels or hearts. The sky has been where I find myself looking the most. I love to see the beautiful sunrises and sunsets and hope that somehow Arianna was involved. Like the sky is her canvas and she's just up there painting away. There's something more magical about the sun shining through the clouds now than ever before. I cling to these things because more than anything I want to know that she is still with me. That she's watching over us and is smiling. That she truly is in a better place (although I still think that the best place for a child is in their mother's arms...). That she is no longer in pain. That she can move, and walk, and talk, and is singing in the angel's choir (apparently Arianna is extremely talented!). You just want to know that your child is ok. T...

People say time heals all wounds. As a grieving mother, I disagree. I think that with time we learn how to carry our grief and how to cope with the waves. I think that there are good days, and there are bad. I think that you may be able to take one wave of grief head on, but the next wave make knock you down. And I think that it is absolutely ok.  It's important to know that falling down doesn't mean you're weak. That tears streaming down your face in public because you see another mom with her daughter doesn't mean that you're somehow "stuck in the past". Life changes drastically when you give birth to a child. All that you thought you knew about parenting goes out the window. Your routine completely changes. It's all for the better of course. When you lose a child, it's new territory. You now need to learn a different routine. One that feels empty. Without any purpose. And you just hope that there will be good days again. Once the go...

I was showing my mom Arianna's lab results on the board in her room. A man we hadn't met yet walked in the room. Mom sat down in her chair. Gonz was sitting on our couch. He introduced himself. Dr. Soandso from Neurosurgery. My mom's face went white. She asked a question, her voice was shaking. Me, being so casual said, "Mom, don't worry. Just because he's from neurosurgery doesn't mean that Arianna needs brain surgery or anything. What's going on?" His response "Well, actually she does need brain surgery and we need your signature now." I don't remember what happened after that. I remember our nurse kicking him out of the room and yelling at him. I remember being brought into a conference room and being shown the CT scan from that morning. I remember throwing a box of Kleenex and it hitting some poor girl I hadn't seen before. I remember being told if we didn't sign these papers then our daughter wasn't goin...