Life After Loss

And mine kept beating... Since then I feel as if I'm jumping off a cliff--every single day. But mid jump, it's like the rewind button is hit, and I end up on the edge of the cliff again. With every jump, I get closer and closer to hitting the water. I know that eventually I will. I'm not sure what is scarier--not knowing when I'm actually going to hit the water or not sure if I'm able to swim and get out alive once I hit. You think you're doing ok. You have a longer streak of OK days, but you know you're getting closer to the edge again. At first I felt like I was wearing one of those big Sumo Wresting suits. I had this thick layer of shock surrounding me. It helps lessen the pain of the horrid truth. But with time, that layer thins out. Everyday the truth is a little more real--a little more painful.  I think of holding Arianna in my arms, and it brings tears instead of a smile. I think about her cute laugh, or the way she would cross her feet jus...

My dad passed away when I was four and a half (half years were a big deal at that age!). I have missed him for as long as I can remember. Now, I know I miss the idea of what it would have been like had he beat the cancer and never had heart issues. Would I have been a major daddy's girl? Would he have approved of my grades? How would him still being alive affect my life today? I have this memory of us. I'm not sure if it's an actual memory, or one I've created from hearing the story, but any who: It's night time. It's warmer out. Him and I are standing on the back porch together. He explains to me that one day he may no longer be with us . That he will become an angel and be watching over the whole family. He will become a star in the sky. So every night I should go outside and finding the twinkling star. That would be him. I remember doing that once he passed. There would be something so disappointing on the cloudy nights, when I couldn't see t...

Happy New Year! What are your resolutions? New year, new me. Those are some of the standard phrases you hear around this time of year. Everyone is focused on making this year better than the last. Something big will happen this year. I'm going to eat better and go to the gym to finally lose this extra weight. I'm not going to waste money on silly things so I can save up to make that big purchase I've been wanting to make. I will finish my degree and get my dream job. For us, this New Year represents us entering the new year missing a piece of us. It signifies more time has passed since we last saw our Arianna. We can no longer say we lost our daughter this year, it was last year. It is a door closing before we're ready for it too. Of course we are continuing to live our lives. We don't have an option. We both enjoy working out (ok Gonzalo really enjoys it). For us though, it's not about a new year's resolution or trying to make ourselves better. It...